Conflicted Thoughts

I live in grey area. It's not that I'm bad, but I'm not that great either. I tend to be a person in 'standard/default mode'. To be honest, I am a person who often trapped in the middle of stagnancy. I tend to stop and not finishing the things I've been working on if I find it less interesting. I am a person with lack of consistency. There I said it.

I try to change that mindset. I try to manage myself in order to be a better person. And I think the only thing I can do is work harder and (try to) be persistent. But in the end I always ask myself "Will I able to survive with this lack of talent?". That's the mystery.

Someone said to me that actually smart people didn't exist, there is only diligent people with a little bit talent and talented people who has lack of motivation. That person also said to me, brain without discipline is such a waste. What a motivation for me. But....

A sound in my heart says I could survive. The other says I won't.

For you my dearest pals who read this post, shortly after you read I bet you'll think about "what the hell this person doing?" and I guess some of you will think that I'm insane. But I beg for your pardon pals, actually this conflicted thoughts have already hanging on my mind since ages ago and the best thing to do for me is writing all these conflicted thoughts in this blog.

Hopefully I can untangle this tangled rope.

Every Second Of It.

It's good to be back. I mean it. Life has been so good to me and I'm blessed for everything that I've got until today. That's how we supposed to live this life, am I right?

Working, playing, and seeking for another gold opportunity. That's how my life goes for these past 6 months. Been enjoying every second of it because I know, if I'm not enjoying it, I'll have wrinkles on my face in no time. Unfortunately, Jakarta's traffic and weather have been extremely random and they (undeniably) hold a significant role for my life too. I can't beat the fact that my energy drained out because of it.

But once again, let's just forget it a while, and take it as a joke. A joke that make us laugh. Make us happy. Shall we?

By the way, these photos above taken by my lil brother when we're in our grandma's house. I insisted him to take these cool-effected-photos over and over again. So, he finally gave up and voila! He's a talented photographer, isn't he?

Well, I guess that's it for this time. Looking forward to write again soon. Take care and have a great week!!

P.S: I'm going to face another gold opportunity tomorrow. So please, wish me luck everybody!!

Choice

Life is all about choices, that's what I know. To keep the faith when choosing and to overcome the fear, that's the point. And what I hate about choosing is: one hour ago I'm extremely sure about choosing one choice, and one hour later it's all gone. The faith has gone. The things left are only anxiety and uncertainty. And everything in front of my eyes slowly turns vague... : |

Obstacle Overdose.

Been ages since my last post. I do miss writings, and it seems I'm gonna blabbering a bit more in this post. Actually, I have few unfinished writings in my draft box. But once again, it left unfinished. Until now. I still find a chance to work on those writings, but I think it won't be finish in short time. Blame on my mood, which has been extremely fluctuating this period. Honestly, not doing writing for a long time really affect my ability in writings. It seems like I have so many ideas to put on. But on the next 3 seconds, those ideas has lost. Furthermore, I also find it hard to use various words because my brain keeps thinking about the same word again and again. It's so hard to be a good writer, isn't it?

So fellas, have you ever been beaten by a thing so called life? I bet you have. I wonder why life has to be filled with so many ugly realities. Maybe you know the answer and care to explain?

I've been living in a drama. Where people seemed exaggerating little problems and forgetting things that should be discussed. Where people only concern about their own happiness. Where people act harsh to other. And so, what's the point of being friendly with the other and in the end all the thing you've got is only disappointment?

I've been living an unhealthy life with extremely boring daily routine. My body grows weaker. My face seems paler. My hair looks uglier. My skin turns darker. Wake up at night. Sleep when the sun start to shine. Neglecting the most important job as human and student. I didn't do what I supposed to do. I didn't act the way I supposed to act. I didn't talk the way I supposed to talk. I didn't think the way I supposed to think. Somehow I feel fake and not functioning properly.
 
I've been living in a malicious concept. No matter how hard I try to escape from it, in the end I'll be trapped in it again. I can't stand with my ego. I start to see things negatively. My heart began to filled by envious and jealous looking at others with their great achievement. I keep forcing my brain to think and visualize about all the good things, while on the other side I wasn't able to force my heart. I keep questioning "what's the point of being positive and you only got heartache in the end?". I came to the conclusion that "being positive sometimes feels torturing". Someone said to me that being positive is great. I admit that's right, but sometimes it sounds bullshit. I start to think that negative thoughts keeps me conscious, because being positive sometimes make me deeply captivated by dreaming and imagining, whereas on the other side realities keep slapped my face over and over again. Oh dear, what a life!


I've been living a hard life. But can I use that as an excuse to give up? I don't think so.





P.S: Those ups and downs, those negative thoughts, those badass people, they do leave me tons of bruises. But as a human I have to be thankful for what I have and what I got. This may be sound cheesy but at least I try to be honest. Pardon me for writings so much negative point of view in this post. I can't be positive forever, right?

Let's Just Neglect The Negative Thoughts

None of us could successfully erase negative thoughts from our mind. They're always there. Just like a virus, they sometimes come with large heaps of troops. Ready to control us and they often steal our energy, making our time wasted because of it.

I trapped again. In my own thought. A negative one. I sometimes think about some negative thing that actually won't happen. It got me exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Don't you think it would be nice if someday the only concept that does exist only 'heaven on earth' concept?

It's a new month. And i think it'll be nice if i could walk through this month without having any negative thoughts inside my brain. I know it sounds impossible. But it's worth trying, right? Since it will give me so may advantages, i'll try to do it. And i ask you to come with me. Because our mother earth is already fed-up with our bad attitude, our uneducated mouth, our dirty brain. Would you mind join me? Let's just neglect the negative thoughts, pals.. :)

Condition

This post contains few photos that show how cheerful i am. But i've got to warn you about something: don't trust my happy expressions. Regardless the nice moment i've had with my partners (this photo taken on my best friend's birthday), i actually down and stuck right now. What's causing this? Here it comes the story.....

I got quite much spare time this semester. Most of my time are filled with conspiracy between dizzy and stress lately, and they keep me away from anything fun. I guess i can blame on my thesis. I can't even fully enjoy anything. When you got quite much spare time and when you got bunch of nice friends to hang out with but you can't even enjoy it because of stress, then you should check yourself. There's must be something wrong, and i can say there's something wrong with me now. As a senior student, thesis and graduate from college are my current obsessions. I'm almost 22 and since i'm still using my parents' money for the sake of 'struggle' in this cruel world, i can't be proud of it. It's actually very embarrassing. People can't call me kid now because of my age, and i have to show the world that i'm no longer deserve to be called as a kid. Each young-adults got to fulfill their own responsibility, so do i. Graduate from college is one way to fulfill my responsibility towards my parents, i think. At least i can make them proud and no longer using their money afterwards. So here i am, trying so hard to beat a thing so called, thesis. Wish me another luck, pals.... 

*sigh, i can't even make a nice closing.. :(

Vacation In Disguise

It feels quite sucks when situation got me separated from things i love and it's so sad to admit that I've been in that kind of situation for approximately one month. I bet you already know what kind of thing i've mentioned earlier. Yeah, it's blogging. Like i said before, i've been isolated in suburban place for college necessity. Making programs and mingle with people around the village. Such an excitement! Especially i got bunch of hilarious partners that makes me laugh almost every hour. But unfortunately, the signal is really bad there so i couldn't update my blog. Some of you maybe a bit confused with my statement before. How come i can update my blog when signal is bad? Well, gotta tell you one thing, i'm at Semarang now. Thank God for college-administration-thingy. I can use that as a motive and  come back to Semarang for a while and the most important thing: i can update this blog. Finally! :)

One month living in the village successfully made me chubbier and fatter! FYI, I've gained 3 kilos because of the-oh-so-called-regularity meal time. Guess i have to be friend with diet after this. But i think this is not the right time to talk about diet,  so let's move to the other interesting story. Living in the village is really indeed a refreshment! As you can see on my photos, i'm surrounded by green rice field. Really an entertainment (in a natural way). Sometimes a short runaway from a big city full of people and pollution is needed to sweep the stress away. This is just like a vacation for sure, in a different form actually. But it's still vacation, though.. :p

Surely, i'm thanking God for this vacation in disguise. For some people perhaps this could be nothing. But for me, this is a new journey that leads me into a new phase of life. I've got tons of interesting experiences. Everyone knows, too many gravel that could make you suddenly fall. But this journey, has made me know more how to stand after falling. This journey, has made me know more that life is something to fight for. This journey, has made me know more that no matter how hard i'm trying to be individual and selfish, it just end up with nothing but anger, not victory as i thought before. A journey like this, is a true definition of working group. And i just noticed, only 3 days left and i'll be leaving this village. Wake up from a dream and living my real life like usual. In the end, i just realized this journey is real priceless.

PS:

1. Pardon me pals, because of the busy and tight schedule, i've got no time to dress up. So here i am, with the casual look again. :)

2. Hope you could feel a journey like this, which could make you realize even more about the meaning of life. Sooner or later..

See you later, pals..

Sort of Happy and Afraid at the Same Time

So, i'm officially being 21 years old on October 28th. Happy and afraid at the same time. Happy because knowing that i'm still surrounded by hundred lovely people who had kindly giving their time and send me birthday greetings, typed sweet words to me, shook me in the hand, gave me lovely gifts. Couldn't say any other words except sending billion thanks and digital hugs to you all, dear gorgeous mates! :)

Then why i need to be afraid when happiness ensures itself to stay beside me? Well, it's simply because i'm afraid of the responsibilities that come with the age 21. No more play with my college life, gotta be serious and graduate just in time. No longer be able to be childish because, yeah.. you know. So much things that need to be afraid of. And it's slowly but sure distracts my mind. Oh dear universe, i kinda need help now.

Last thing to tell, i can't stay any longer because of the holy internship report that has to be done as soon as possible. Sorry, pals. May good things won't go around from you! Hugs and smooches from me..

P.S: Al photos were taken when i took a walk, had nice lunch, and shopped with my college mate.

● WIENA ●

Rumbling, Mumbling, Yet Keep Laughing

 Hi there adorable! Watcha doin? Hope you're doing fine like usual. Relieving much to get back here again. It's still because the cliche thing, internship. Sorry can't catch you more often lately. Sooo, i was doing self-talking to my heart and my brain lately. It happened often for sure. And yes,  my brain is currently overloaded. Too much things that i've been thinking about. The fact is, these past days, i've been in a roller coaster condition which makes my mood easily turns upside down. I lost my kind of desire towards lots section in my life including my social life. It's sad. But it's true. For example, i do miss having good times with my old bestfriends. But sadly, i'm so lazy to do the 'basabasi' part. And it's not happen just for one time but twice. Yes i realized i gotta fix and change it immediately. It's bad.

Another thing that makes it become even worse when a friend of mine said i was being such cocky person. Yeah somehow i feel he said that because he's just being honest to me by telling me the true fact, and i appreciate it as well. But at the end i think it was a bit gross. For God's sake, i currently don't need any judgements at that time especially from the one i call bestfriend. If he or she is a true friend of mine, he or she will support and give me bunch of advices.

Oh well perhaps i just need another temporary escape, another getaway, another funny moments just like these photos have shown to universe. It took when me and my girls went out for having ramen as a dinner and then continued with karaoke all nite long. And for you my a-bit-cruel-friend, no need to be worry, i no longer mad at you. :)

Last but not least, i'd like to ask an apology for any inappropiate both behavior and words in the past. Happy Eid Mubarak 1431 H for those who celebrate it. Let's purify our hearts and have a nice holiday to you all adorable readers out there!

How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel... Extraordinary? 

- A quote from Marley & Me -

 ● WIENA ●

Stay happy. Stay positive.

"Let positive thoughts control you in a day. 

So you can find the fact that your day is so much happier than it seems."

-Me-

To be such a positive human being isn't that hard to do. Yet i can not say it's easy either. Sometimes people are just too lazy to see problems from another point of view. Some people seems so enjoy to complain when they got a problem, but can you feel the good effect behind stay positive when we got a problem? Can you feel tranquility that we got after being grateful in every moments in our life?

So yes, I know you guys ever did something inappropriate in your life. I did too. But drowning with too much complains that coming out from our mouth isn't a good way out to face those tons of problems. Now, i just wanna share something that hopefully can help you out from whatever problems that you currently trapped into.

Three small rules for living a happy life

1. Start each day with a grateful heart.

2. Focus on the positive aspects of every person you encounter.

3. End each day with a grateful heart. 

Lucy MacDonald

Anyway, I feel sorry (again) for abandoning my blog quite long. I no longer have enough spare time because of internship. So, yes, i started my internship at August 1st, and during this, i'm officially being a 'temporary employee'. Working behind a desk from 8 to 4. Analyzing a large amount of documents that contain media monitoring. Doing any other job that Public Relations usually do. Well, more than enough to explain that i'm now have no spare time even to make a quick post. Pardon me.

So happy rite now because i finally can meet The Fasting Month again. For all moslem out there, i just wanna say Happy Fasting Month to all of you. May God always bless each and everyone of us from the 1st day until 30th day of Fasting Month! :)

● WIENA ●

Was It Real Or Not?

Another time with my old friends! Aye! I just love meet my old friends in present. Old friends always give me new stories and experiences when we finally meet after quite long time didn't meet. Makes me surprise with their new appearance, some people did a good job with their changes. But i have to admit that there are also few old friends that (i'm sorry) failed in making any changes. Hahaha. But well don't mind it. I still love you my old friends... Kiss. :*

So on that day i went to Grand Indonesia with Ica and Pijar (again), watched Inception and had some lunch together. But the pleasure wasn't stop there. After that, i met my neighbors (Cynthia, Nona, and Noni) and went to TIS Square, had sushi for dinner and spent the night with talked and shared about how our life have been gone so far. Unfortunately i don't have any photos when we were in TIS Square because we used Noni's camera to took photos. All i can do now is share some photos when i was in Grand Indo then. Enjoy. :)

By the way, talking about Inception, it really was a nice movie for me. The movie has successfully forced me to think harder to decide whether the scenes are shown in movie was dream or not. Oh and don't you know what? After watched the movie, i googled few articles about dream and found a fact that actually we could set our dreams if we want by writing it in words in a diary. Other fact, if we want to remember our dream, we can just say 'i will remember my dreams' and voila! you can remember the dreams that you were dreamed at the previous night. So yeah, i'm one of the victim. I tried it and succeeded. Hahaha. Oh geez. I couldn't believe it i have been influenced so deep by that movie.

Until now, I still curious about the dream world itself. Are we really can indulge ourselves so deep in a dream? If it's true, apparently dream is becoming a scary thing nowadays. The difficulties in deciding if it's real or not make me feel a bit worried to dream. But hey, it's just a movie Wiena! Don't believe it too deep. Oh well, oh well, i think i have to stop talking about the movie from now on. Hehehe.

Oh! I forgot about something. So passionate talking about the movie and i forgot to ask about how's your life so far, pals? Hope you're doing fine. :) I still continuing my holiday in Jakarta and just got back from Bandung, attended a wedding ceremony of my sister-in-law-to-be. Hahaha. Did i mention it right? Yeah so Paunchy Monster's sister get married last weekend and finally i've got a chance to meet my Paunchy Monster. Sadly, there were no time or chance to explore Bandung a lot because i've got to back to Jakarta right after attended the wedding reception. A bit disappointed but at least i feel so much relieve that i could finally met my boyfie. Hehehe. Well, i think enough for this time. I gotta go because my friend will pick me up in a minute. So i have to dress up and make up! ;)

See you later dear kind-hearted pals! May you have a fabulous day! :)

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you together is reality"
-John Lennon-
 

 ● WIENA ●